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Havoc

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(Go to Hell)

[20 Dec 2005|11:57am]

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Yousendit

(Go to Hell)

[01 Aug 2005|04:28am]
Warped Tour was awesome.


I wasn't able to see My Chemical Romance, but they're coming to Ypsilanti on Sept 17. Tickets go on sale next Saturday. w00t.

I got CDs by The Swellers, Ettison Clio, Tsunami Bomb, Jerra, and a free one from Fat Wreck Chords.

A tee-shirt from Rocket.

Pins and stickers from My Chemical Romance, 89x, MySpace, Sugar Hooker and Jerra.

The guy from the Swellers was so nice. He seemed really surprised when I bought the CD, I've been looking for it for a year. Stephanie from Ettison Clio was super nice too.

My camera died. But that's okay.

Best quote: "Do you want a free t-shirt? Well fuck you!"

Best image: Huge tour busses everywhere but in the middle of the parking lot a Reliant K van!

I saw some people who looked like they came from FRUiTS. It was nice seeing some color (besides in hair).

Boys shouldn't wear pants that tight. It can't be healthy.

Gotta start back on the diet.


Calorie goal tomorrow: 1200.


So I may be going to New York. My dad wants me to take D'Andre with us.


I'm excited about going, and I'd be exicted about DA coming because he's never been to New York and he's really cool.


But I'm worried about Eric. I told him and he was cool with it but...


D'Andre and I are hanging out today (shopping). I would bring Eric but I don't want it to be a group thing and before I asked D'Andre, Eric was supposed to start working. I don't want it to be a group thing because I don't want Britt to post "everyone went out with me, that's shady!" or some BS causing drama. Truth is I just don't like big groups and when I go out in groups I tend to close up.

So today I went to the mall with D'Andre. I bought some cute clothes and had fun he bought me sushi. I wanted to go with Eric but he said he would be at registration all day and wouldn't be able to do anything.


So around 5:00 pm D'Andre called Eric to see if he was done with registration so he and Britt could meet us at 12 Oaks. He said he was out with Britt and they would come.



So D'Andre and I were waiting for them in the parking lot and we saw Eric and Britt walk in the mall. We called them to tell us we were near the trees in the lot and they kept walking. They told us to come and find them. After a while D'Andre called Eric back to ask him to come outside to see the clothes I bought. He never came, so I brought all the bags inside. When I sat down he said "Hi" and totally ignored me. He kept talking to Britt, every now and again saying something to D'Andre. He showed D'Andre a card he got and showed Britt some pictures. When I was looking at the pictures he started putting them away. We went into Borders Express and he ignored me there too. The only time he acknowledged me was when he was about to leave and he gave me a half-hearted hug.


After he and Britt left I was so sad. I had been sad earlier because of my friend situation and worried about the NYC situation, but they way he acted made me totally depressed. I sat down behind some shelves and started crying. D'Andre told me he noticed Eric was acting stupid. I didn't know if he was mad at me or not.


So now I'm going to wait and see if he calls me.

(Go to Hell)

[28 Jul 2005|04:28am]
So now Eric is depressed because he lost the fight. He has a black eye, that actually doesn't look that bad.


Or maybe that will be best seeing as how I'm going to have to leave him soon anyway.


THAT MAKES ME SO FRIGGIN SAD!


So I wasn't able to get my ticket to Warped Tour today. I'm going to go to 12 Oaks after work tomorrow and HOPEFULLY I'll be able to get my ticket there. I drove all the way out to the Livonia Mall and found out the store wasn't even there! That mall is so sad. I swear, all the rejects shop there. Later Britt called me and said she, Reen, Dan, Clara, and Jill were going to Target, Borders, and Marvins. Probably to celebrate Jill, Reen and Dan's birthdays. So I met up with them at Borders. I acutually was kind of hoping no one would show up until it was time for me to leave. I saw the book Fresh Fruits and wanted to buy it but it cost 30.00!! Clara gave me 50.00 for the Nine Inch Nails concert ticket so I'll buy that tomorrow while getting my Warped ticket.

Yeah, I'm actually happy I'm going alone although my dad is being a dick about it. I'm enjoying flying solo more and more.

I called D'Andre for the first time in a while. I've been a little insulted that he hasn't called me. I know he's not intrested but it feels bad to be dropped. He sounded depressed. I'll call him tomorrow because I'm worried about him.

Well, it's the end of the day and I've done well with eating.

Laffy Taffy - 80
Banana (2) - 202
Soup - 200
Sushi - 700(?)
Lunch meat - 50

Total: 1232

368 cals under! XD

I'm proud ^_^

I'm going to drink some lavander tea that should help me sleep tonight. I know it's easliy to get addicted to it and it taste gross, but today I overslept until 10:20! My mom called me to ask where I was. It was mortifying and I don't want it to happen again.


I'm going to try and plan a menu for tomorrow so I don't over eat.

lunch - Spegetti-O's - 340
dinner - Soup - 200
snack - Hot Chocolate (Tall) - 360
snack - Banana - 101


Total 1001


Hell, I can get a Grande for 90 cals more ^.^



I think I want to go into fashion design.

(Go to Hell)

[26 Jul 2005|04:27am]
So, my dad’s being a dick about Warped Tour. He’s saying he doesn’t want me to go alone and thinks that it’s stupid and “a loser thing to do”. All of my friends can’t go or don’t want to go, so what am I supposed to do about that? I still want to see My Chemical Romance, The Swellers and maybe Heads Will Roll. I don’t know if he’s going to let me go or not. As of right now I’m allowed, but he changes his mind a lot so...

It really pisses me off that he said I should find guy friends who can pay for themselves. I really don’t think that’s fair. I mean, it’s super hard to get a job these days and Eric, D’Andre and Dan just don’t have a lot of money in general. He says “There are jobs out there! You think you can’t mow lawns?” Um, hello. He’s a supervisor at a law firm, he really doesn’t know anything that’s happening down here with the highschool/college kids. You can’t make money mowing lawns if people don’t have anything to pay you!

He said earlier today that he’s going to miss me when I go to college. I don’t believe him.

Calories
Lean Cuisine 180
Laffy Taffy 80
Subway 380
Spaghetti-o’s 340
Banana 101

1121 YES!!

(Go to Hell)

[24 Jul 2005|04:26am]
I'm getting so fat!



I ate like a pig yesterday at Reena and Jill's parties. Today I managed not to eat at all except at dinner and I totally lost self control! I had lots of chicken, potato salad, TWO brownies, and corn! I only had water to drink though. Later I'm going to go to Starbucks. Tomorrow I'm going to start dieting again.


The parties were fun. I went swimming in my new bikini. Reena looked better than I did even though she wasn't swimming.


I'm so tired. I may actually get some sleep tonight. I acutally haven't been as hungry and more tired. Perfect combonation!


I'm not as insane anymore.


EDIT: I just found out there are over 400 calories in a tall hot chocolate from Starbucks. Never mind :/. I just calculated my BMI online and it said I only needed to eat 1692 calories a day. I'm going to try to have 1600 a day just to be on the safe side.

Eric seemed upset yesterday that I wouldn't hug him. I just don't like public displays of affection. -sigh- I dunno if getting back together with him was such a good idea. I hope I can make him happy without compromising myself.

(Go to Hell)

[23 Jul 2005|04:25am]
So yeah, today after I found out Britt, D'Andre and Dan went to the mall I went down to Eric's room. We made out for the first time since we broke up. I had been wanting to do it for a while but when I get depressed I usually stop caring about saving face and all that stuff, so I just went for it. Afterward I felt really sad because I realized that in less than two months I would be leaving him and I didn't want to. I'm afraid that when I leave him he'll find someone new. I need him, he's the only person who really makes me happy. I hate depending on him so much but I do, I can't help it.

He said he would never stop loving me. I wish he had not have said that, because it will hurt much more when the day comes that he finally gets over me.

I don't know why he loves me. I'm shit. I told him about the suicide fantisies and the food coloring and the burning. He seemed to understand. I love him so much.

Later I got on the phone with Eric and Clara. We had a good laugh together. Then Clara left and Dan, Britt and D'Andre got on the phone. I didn't talk the entire time.

I really don't want to see them. I don't want to go to those parties tomorrow.


On the other side, D'Andre seems to finally be over me. I'm very happy for him, he's finally in a better place (mentally). He's intrested in this girl named Zarinah. She seems nice from what I know. I hope he can be happy with her.



The pain felt so good
I want more.
If only I could keep it hidden.
I can't drink because of the calories.
Heh


EDIT:
D'Andre said I was allowed to go, but I still dunno since I wasn't called or anything.


Heh. I'm a paranoid fucking schizophrenic. Not really.






This thing that I feel. Anger, depression, sadness, hopelessness, frustration, insanity, death. All congregates in my chest like some perverse church service. Singing their praises to the Lord, sounding like chaos. Chaos, pure, simple, unadulterated. Fermenting inside me, driving me mad. My friends, they ask "are you okay"? I say I am. I’m not. I am. MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND. Mind, what mind? Only chaos exist here. I bathe in it, I sleep in it. I drink it and feel it’s acid burn my insides.

Chaos, made of friends, and family. Stress. Taking the form of someone stabbing me in the chest. Does it hurt, does it fucking hurt now? Making me bleed all over the new rug. I’ve ruined it. I’ve ruined it with my blood. It’s stained. And they laugh. They laugh as I sputter and fall and as my eyes turn cloudy until there is no life evident there. Then I delve into a spiral of light, yes, shining, blinding light that conceals the bad parts. I fall through the light into hell. Where a man in a suit tortures me. Contorts me. Don’t cry. You have no reason to cry! I swallow my tears, choke on them, gag on them. I vomit them up in a plethora of madness. HERE ARE THOSE TEARS NEVER CRIED. Ha ha ha. Eat your vomit little girl, no one wants to see that mess on our pristine white rug. Swallow it down. Keep it there, allow it to ferment into more chaos.

Let it consume that body of yours which you willingly whore for empty promises of everlasting love. Nothing last forever, except death. Beautiful, silent death. God’s gift to the world. God’s gift, out of my reach. God out of my reach. Only devils that live inside of me. Devils that strain to get out and kill kill kill. Bring people to the death which God intended. Let me set you free! Or set me free. Help me, I’m dying I’m dying! Dying? You’re already dead. Walking corpse, zombie, go back to the grave from whence you came! Go back? Acceptance denied. We regret to inform you there is NO VACANCY.

Who could love a corpse?

(Level 3 | Go to Hell)

[22 Jul 2005|04:24am]
I'm being ignored.


It hurts, but at the same time I'm happy that people are moving on.


For some reason I seem to instigate things. It's not that I ever mean to, but my mere presence is enough to make people angry.


I don't know if I want to go to Reena and Jill's graduation parties. I don't want anyone to fight anymore.


Especially Jill's since there will be swimming. I don't want people to get jealous, not that they should.

Please God, don't let me get fat.



I have to go to work tomorrow.



Can't sleep.



I wish I could think of a story to write.



So today I was playing with red food coloring because I like to imagine what it would look like if I slit my throat or wrist. I had to burn the bottle in order to get the stuff out since it had dried around the normal opening. The plastic was still melted when I pressed it to my skin. I actually enjoyed the burn. I can't stand pain, but this time I liked it. I liked feeling something.

Maybe that's why I'm actually attracted to depression and morbid thoughts. When I'm depressed it actually physically hurts. It's better than feeling dead.


I hate myself. WILL SOMEONE FUCKING KILL ME ALL READY? I JUST DON'T WANT TO FUCKING BE HERE ANYMORE. I just want to die already.

(Go to Hell)

[21 Jul 2005|04:23am]
I was thinking about the name for my other LiveJournal, Pink_Geisha.

I feel like I've painted my face and no one wants to see what's behind it...

Not that I want to show them.

Some things are just too ugly.

It's as if God wanted me to be an entertainer. I've learned the perfect false smile for every occasion. I can laugh on cue. I'm an expert at leaving questions unanswered in such a way that people assume I'm telling them what they want to hear. I can laugh and chat all the while dying inside.

Is this what I was doomed to do forever?

(Go to Hell)

[20 Jul 2005|04:22am]
So Eric and I decided we were not going to start dating, but we're in a "committed relationship". I made that up and I'm proud of it. Heh.

I'm really nervous that when I go to college he's going to find someone new. I'm also worried that I'm going to find someone new because I don't want to break up with him. A part of me wants find someone new because Eric has hurt me so much in the past, but I'm afriad to, and it makes me feel like crap even thinking about it.

Ugh.

Brittany hates me. I don't know that for sure but that's the vibe I've been getting. I've been trying to stay out of her way, not out of fear, but because I'm so sick of drama I'd just rather not instigate it. I think Eric and D'Andre are annoyed with me for not talking on the phone with them, Dan, and Britt last night. I'm just so sick of everyone right now.

I'm sick of myself too.

At least I'm not as depressed anymore. But as I'm writing this post...-sigh-.

I wish I had someone to talk to. My dad wants me to go back into therapy but I dont want to since I'll be leaving in around a month anyway. I don't want to add anyone to this journal so Britt and Reena and whoever else won't get mad at me.

I haven't been eating or sleeping. Stress probably.

(Level 14 | Go to Hell)

LJ Change [07 Jul 2005|01:39pm]

Since I really don't use hotmail much anymore, I'm going to get a new LJ.

 

pink_geisha  so update your friends pages please.

(Level 2 | Go to Hell)

[07 Jul 2005|01:18pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Last week my dad told me that he thought I was a shitty person and he doesn't want to do anything for me anymore. He accused me of only being at his house because I had a car there. I told him the reason I came was because my step-dad put a camera in my room.

Today my mom told me that she was seperating from Ron so I could move back. After talking for a while I let it slip that my dad hit me when we were at GVSU. So now she's going to make Ron leave ASAP.

I dunno what my dad's going to do about this. I'm really scared that he's going to cut off my college money.

My mom is pissed.

I shouldn't have said anything. Now everyone is angry at everyone else and it's all because I couldn't keep quiet.

I don't understand why everything had to get so bad now. I only had two more months until it was all over.

It's like my parents decided "Hey, lets be a good parent!" only because something bad happened. Maybe I shouldn't feel this way but it seems like they're both trying to show each other up.

(Go to Hell)

-Previously a Private Entry- [06 Jul 2005|10:59am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

This post is not directed toward one person, but toward all my friends


I'm getting sick and tired of people thinking they know how I feel or what I'm doing. I'm tired of everyone saying one thing and doing another. I don't like to be lied to nor do I like it when people make assumptions about me. If you have an issue with me or a question about me ask me about it. Not Eric, or DA, or Reena, or Clara. I'm the only one who knows what I'm thinking so I'm the best person to ask.

So while we're typing this, lets set some things straight:

* I have never dated, messed around with, or even considered dating D'Andre.

* I do not hate anyone.

* I am not angry at anyone, but I am starting to loose my cool since people have been mad at me/ making speculations about me/ not telling me what they really think of me for about TWO MONTHS.

* I am not seeing anyone.

So please, stop tip-toeing around me and tell me what the hell is going on. I'm getting the feeling that my best friends don't trust me and I don't know why. Every time I think things are cool, something else pops up. It really hurts me to think you guys don't trust me. If things aren't okay, tell me they aren't okay so we can deal with it. I want to be friends with everyone but that's really hard to do when no one tells me anything.

If I've seemed upset lately it's because my dad wants me to leave and I have no where else to go. I'm sorry if you're taking that as anger toward you but it's not because of you. I'm just really confused about where I stand with my parents. But now I'm also confused where I stand with you guys.

(Level 1 | Go to Hell)

[04 Jul 2005|10:06pm]
Today I went to the Taste Fest. The food was yummy but too expensive. I saw some sushi but it cost 14 tickets so i'll just learn to make my own.

(Level 2 | Go to Hell)

[03 Jul 2005|12:43am]
I have a Gmail account. If you want an invite then comment.

(Level 3 | Go to Hell)

[28 Jun 2005|04:41pm]
Okay, so this morning I leave the house at 8:30 and go to Meijer since it's open 24 hours and get the CKY cd!

I love them.

Love.

Love love love.

Actually, it's not as good as IDR but it's better than Vol. 1.

Also, go see these movies: Land of the Dead, Rize.

(Go to Hell)

[27 Jun 2005|11:35pm]
[ mood | excited ]

CKY TOMORROW!

Buy the CD! An Answer Can Be Found

(Level 2 | Go to Hell)

[21 Jun 2005|01:05pm]
Gave into several tempations...sorta.

Actually making an effort to learn to dance. Ask Eric or Da if you don't believe me. I even went and bought a bellydancing DVD. Those people are impossiable.

Also indulged in my 89x side and bought the My Chemical Romance CD. :P

At work now. Reading White Oleander. Good book.

Saw Batman Begins, take my advice and rent it. I thought it was pretty boring although I'm glad they explained who trained him.

(Level 5 | Go to Hell)

[18 Jun 2005|10:36pm]
SORRY FOR NOT COMING TO YOUR GRADUATION PARTY ERIN. I was seriously lost on Outer Drive for an hour. By the time I found my way I just decided to go home :(

Also, I found out who my roomate at GVSU is. Her name is Michelle, she lives in Chicago. I'm going to call her eventually but since she's long distance I'll wait for a while.

THE MONTH GAME

RULES:
1. Pick your birth month.
2. Strike out anything that doesn't apply to you.
3. Bold the four that best apply to you.
4. Copy to your own journal, with all twelve months under a cut.

FEBRUARY:
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but those not show it. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.


Month Game ContinuedCollapse )

(Level 3 | Go to Hell)

[14 Jun 2005|08:06pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Got a meningitis shot. That sucked.

So, I went to Eric's today. It was a chore getting there.

First, I didn't know Telegraph was under going uber construction, so I thought I got lost.

Then I ran over a bottle, thought I sliced my tire (again), but I didn't.

Then, got lost on Joy Road.

Then, got to Eric's, D’Andre called me. I told my dad we were going to D’Andre's. In actuality we were going to Eric's and D’Andre was going to meet us there. D’Andre called my house. Dad calls my cell looking for me. We trick him into believing we're at D’Andre's and D’Andre shows up about 10 minutes later.

We watch Dawn of the Dead. -shudder-

Realized I locked my keys in the car. D’Andre drove me home. We tried to distract my dad while I looked for the keys.

Couldn't find them. Eventually asked. He was upset (understandably).

Got back to Eric's. Got in car. Went to graveyard. Now I'm home.

...

I'm sleepy now.

1. Totally awesome news!!!cKy is coming out with a new CD. June 28th!!

(Level 7 | Go to Hell)

GANGSTA [14 Jun 2005|12:06am]
Heh heh.

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